The smell of fresh cut grass

I used to think people here exaggerate about SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I didn't know why people would be depressed with the lack of sunlight. I come from a tropical country, mind you...and we go to all extent to stay OUT of the sun, be it for health or beauty purposes. People really can die with excessive sun exposure, ok? Anyway, after way too many winters here, I finally understand it...I do feel depressed when it's constantly cold and dark. I mean, when you walk out of lab at 5 pm in the winter, it's so dark you'd think it's 10 p.m.! Anyway...winter's come and gone again and it's spring once more! That means more sunlight, less clothings (yes, I'm less concerned about being tanned, which doesn't mean I'd go suntanning!), and more excuses to go out AND stay out.

So today, I mowed the lawn for the first time! Ok, well...more like half a lawn in the backyard. I volunteered to help when Alex walks in after tackling the frontyard and completely overcome by allergies. Another good thing, I have no seasonal allergies. I like to thank my good genes and good luck (or could it be the childhood worms?) because I can run outside and roll around in the meadow and not get the sniffles and itchy eyes. Back from my digression, I was feeling pretty good about myself because I could handle the lawnmower and was making a decent progress (minus the one time I almost took the fence and the lawnmower out by the deadly flying rock that got in the way of the mower.) and then I caught a whiff of fresh cut grass. It's actually pretty good! I am now a new fan of the smell of fresh cut grass!

The sun, the cool breeze and the smell of fresh cut grass (ok, minus the gas smell and the obnoxious sound from the lawnmore) is the best combination!

Putting meaning to research

I'm so proud of my brother. He's just been offered a job in St Jude's with a pay increase! Not only that, as soon as the lab gets set up (since the PI is relatively new), he actually will be able to go on clinical rounds with the PI! Imagine that! Being able to waltz walk around with a labcoat looking all smart and knowledgeable as the PI checks on the charts on the bed-ends and confers with the “assistant” and he nods intelligibly (even though he had no clue what the PI just said). The sick patient would look on with so much hope, thinking that the PI and the brilliant assistant would be able to whip up a cure in a jiffy!

On a serious note, St. Jude’s is a leading children’s hospital and doing research there does put a lot of things into perspective. Often in research, it’s easy to lose sight of things. We’re often hunkered down in the lab, focusing on a minute detail, a portion of a protein in a cell of a specific tissue that’s part of the bigger thing we call the human being (or for that matter, a nematode, a mouse, a rat, a rabbit…depending on the animal model we’re studying of course). As we troubleshoot an experiment for the nth time, we think to ourselves “What’s the point?” and "Will my research REALLY be contributing to the cure of cancer?" In St. Jude's you need only to take a step out of the lab and take a look at your surroundings; children shuffling around with an IV drip in tow, eyes sunken in, skin loosely hanging onto bony frames and age prematurely etched into their faces. Sure, at this moment in time, your experiments may not be working, and heck, you probably will not see your results translate into anything meaningful in the short term, but just looking at the poor kids will put the determination back into anybody's heart. Even if nothing works at this moment in time, you'll try your hardest to make SOMETHING work, because these kids are dying as the clock ticks by.

I'm a true believer that all cancer centers should be associated with a medical hospital, and I honestly think St. Jude's is an ideal place for a passionate scientist to conduct their research. Hopefully my brother will be able to make his mark there. At the very least, he, or anyone working there will learn to appreciate their health and not take anything for granted. Anyway, I need to quit before I get too philosophical. I'm beginning to get a headache because it's too deep even for me to fathom. By god, my wisdom is beyond me!

The circle of life

I just found out that my grandaunt has passed on yesterday I couldn't help feeling a little choked up about it. I have just seen her a couple of months ago when I went home for CNY, and invalid as she was, the 90-some year old still had a pretty sharp mind. After a gentle reminder, she did remember who I was and we spent some time chatting. We were by no means close, but it moves me that she remembers me; her niece's daughter!
She was a great lady, a woman married into the family after the death of the first wife. A woman who puts the first wife's kids before hers, lest the others thought of her as the wicked stepmom. A woman who still held the family together when her only son died, as her stupid daughter-in-law goes galloping around town. A woman who has the sharpest mind and despite her son's death and a stroke, still held on to life to keep her family in check. I can't help thinking how hard her life must have been, and how the best kind of people always gets stuck in such a screwed up life.
I doubt that much tears will be shed from her immediate family, but I know that her extended family would dearly miss her. It's still kinda unsettling to speak of her in past tense. After all, I've just seen her a couple of months ago. In retrospect, I'm glad that I went home for a visit when I did. It may delay my graduation plans, but at least I get to see her again for one last time.

Research

Research is disheartening...really, it is. It can break even the most determined of minds. It truly takes the most dedicated individual to see things through the end. It is no wonder that more and more graduate student leave academia upon graduation. Why jump back into the abyss when they actually reached the end of the tunnel?

Science is like a slippery slope. In school, if you excelled in science, it means that you're brilliant, possibly the future Einstein, curer of all diseases. School gives you the false sense of safety and pride. After all, not everyone in your class did quite as well as you in the exams. Then came college, and you discover more and more interesting things about science and once the interest is piqued, there was no turning back. Professors see your scientific talent, your analytical mind and most importantly, your interest; the burning desire to find a cure for cancer, or put a man in Mars, or build robots with AI. So they set off to recruit you into their labs as undergraduate researcher because a) it make them look good on paper because they're cultivating the love for research in young minds and b) they truly want to encourage you to do research and honestly think you'll go far.

The thing with graduate school (or research for that matter) is, once you leave college, science as we all know it does a 360 turn around. You're no longer studying other people's discovery on textbooks, you're now the one discovering new things. The studying part is peanuts, it's the discovery that's a royal pain in the tush. The thing with groundbreaking discoveries is, there needs to be an accident. Most great discoveries were not planned, like aspirin or gravity. I'm still waiting for my big accident to happen. Thus far, all my accidents have only succeeded in putting me more and more behind schedule.

Anyway, back from the digression, like many bright minds who were misled into thinking that research is their calling enroll into grad school, and suddenly you, who used to be the creme de la creme in your graduating class suddenly become another number among the incoming class because, let's be honest, everyone else are equally smart (or God forbid, even smarter than you, those bastards!) and you realize that you have nothing going for you. Then you get thrown into doing research, trying to prove or disprove a hypothesis which may take a couple months or a couple years. Suddenly research is not how smart you are, rather, it's how lucky you are...are you lucky enough to

a) get a project that ACTUALLY works?
b) get enough done before getting scooped?
c) gather enough PUBLISHABLE data?
d) have volumes of data that's actually proportional to the time you put in?

If you answered yes to all of the above, go away now and don't talk to me, EVER. If you answered no, then it's ok, your plight is normal...and please come talk to me, because I think we need to set up a support group for graduate students. It shall be called The Perpetual Grads and we shall form a circle in a room and we shall introduce ourselves like so..."Hi, I'm XYZ and I've been in grad school for n years. I hope to graduate when I turn 90"

Why professors never retire...

A quick survey around at any of the ivory towers here in the United States and we're bound to find professors in their 70s or 80s. Few of these professors still have their own funded research labs going, but by and large, these professors have long overstayed their welcome in academe. Their offices have been reduced to a mere corner or a nook, and their sole responsibility is just a couple classes taught during the semester; a shadow of the academic limelight of yore.

The average retirement age or the general population is about 55, maybe a little higher thanks to the healthcare system of this nation (a topic for another discussion)...but in academe, professors stubbornly hold on to their positions even in their deathbeds. A liability for the universities, but with the abolishment of the mandatory retirement age for professors at the age of 70 (under the 1994 amendment of the Age Discrimination in Employment Act of 1967), there's really nothing much the Universities can do to coerce a retirement from these old birds. A number of them have even been offered a buyout of their tenure, a desperate act of the universities to minimize their liabilities but I'm not sure how many actually accept the offer.

Which brings me to the topic of the discussion for today; why professors never retire. The road to become a tenured professor is a long and difficult one; one filled with dangerous curves, breakneck slopes and backbreaking climbs. Simply put, it's the road less traveled. These professors started off as bright-eyed graduate students (who very quickly lose their bright eyes) surviving on a pitiful graduate stipend and long hours in lab. After n>5 years, a very demotivated PhD graduate continues on into their post-doctoral career with a slightly higher pay and an exponentially longer hours in lab. Once they survive this, the very demotivated and bitter candidate ventures off to start a lab of their own as an assistant professor, where they in turn recruit new bright-eyed grad students into their lab with the sole purpose of inflicting pain and suffering to them. Their rationale? "If I had to endure this during my time, you better serve your time here in purgatory too!" Well, that and the fact that these new assistant professors are only given a 5-year window to make tenure in the university. It may to too short for most assistant professors' liking, but a 5 year probation? In the real world, the worst case scenario is merely a 6 month probation! After which, these people get a pay raise AND all the fringe benefits. These assistant professors however continue to accept a meager pay.

So you see, what takes 1 year for most, involves a laborious process of over a decade. In the long race to save for retirement (Social Security, 401k, IRA...you name it), these people are at least 10 years behind. So when the masses are purchasing their retirement homes in the Carribeans, these poor souls are just preparing to start thinking about saving for retirement. You simply cannot expect them to retire at 70. They just might save enough for a comfortable retirement at oh....90 (oh wait...that's when most of us expire anyway). Now you understand why there are so many of these over-the-hill professors. It really is not their fault (well, it kinda is because they did choose this career), it's the highly flawed system. Someone need to fix this...

Marketable grant proposals

Part of the stimulus plan rolled out by the Obama team was dedicated part of the budget to scientific research, and all of a sudden NIH was given the responsibility to dole out the money to fund A LOT of RO1s. I was excited because this may mean that our lab might possibly get funded. Then, I found out from my boss that the grant applications have to be interdisciplinary or involves some translational research to qualify. Great....Our lab does basic science AND is not interdisciplinary. Which of course got me to think how we could get our lab to be interdisciplinary. All these thinking suddenly got me a tad bit depressed and amused.

Depressed because the limiting factor in scientific research is funding. I've heard and seen many an aspiring new PI not secure a tenure in the university because they're not funded. Their research is by no means bad or crappy. In fact, many of them have really exciting research. They just did not get funded to pursue their publishable ideas.

Amused...because the art of securing funding is through weaving an interesting story. A research may be interesting, but if it is not marketable, it's not funded. Now, marketability in this sense means the ability to sell an idea. The researcher may be studying about spider venom, BUT if he/she can make a connection with cancer, then that's marketable stuff right there. (Ok, bad example because there are components in spider and snake venom that were isolated and shown to have anticancer properties...but you get the idea). It may be a far stretch, but if the story is written right, it's funded.

Part of our graduate training involves learning how to come up with a logical scientific proposal and writing a grant proposal. As I progress through grad school, I have become more and more proficient in putting together a grant proposal...a sellable grant proposal...evident from securing a fellowship from the school. I was gladden to know that I did not need to furnish the panel with my progress from the money they provided because frankly, my proposed experiments did not yield any of my expected results. Does that mean I was cheating? No! After all, scientific research is like venturing into the unknown. And if I can't peer into a magic ball to find out the end result, then the lack of progress is not considered cheating....in a way...because I was still cheated out of a year of my life.

Back from my digression, I've decided that a successful grant proposal does not necessarily need to be groundbreaking research, it just needs to be a groundbreaking story.

Grant Proposal 101.

1. Always tie your research back to cancer prevention/treatment/relevance. So what if you're studying a housekeeping yeast/bacterial protein with no human orthologues? If it has ANY cancer relevance, it's great stuff.
2. Always cite statistics...statistics puts everything in perspective. (Which reminds me, I should've done statistics instead). Cancer is the leading cause of death..bla, bla, bla..1 in 20 people over 60 bla, bla, bla....
3. Always have a logical flow...ask the simplest question first, then work your way up to a complete story. Remember, at the end of the day, proposals don't have to work. After all, we're getting funded to do exploratory work.
4. Failing the cancer link, find other pressing human diseases...Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, MS, obesity...and the list goes on.
   
5. Failing all of the above (which only means you're not doing anything remotely related to life sciences), there's always the green alternative...lower greenhouse emission, biodegradable stuff, etc.

So you see? It's really not that hard to weave a marketable proposal. It all boils down to how well we can BS.


Disclaimer: For a successful proposal, do not attempt all the above suggestions. These are just ramblings of a grad student gone mad from years of failed experiments.

Thank god for grad school...

I never thought that I'd actually be relieved that I'm still in grad school. I've been lamenting about grad school just about everyday; the long work hours, the miserable stipend, the experiments that don't work, the constant stripping of self worth, the...everything. 'Tis true that grad school is only for the brave and the disciplined few, because even the most determined at heart will break after an eternity stuck in this limbo. We cry, we scream, we yell, we break down, but we're in too deep to quit. I mean, what will they say if you leave without a degree? It's a choice chosen with our hands tied. Even as we see our peers (heck, even people younger than us) making it big in the real world, buying new cars and paying mortgages on their new homes, we hunker down and try to figure out why we even chose this path to begin with?

Then the real estate bubble burst in 07, and with it came all the rest of the market; a bubble so big that when it popped, brought with it the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. Everyday the news channels are inundated with news of new record levels of unemployment, toxic assets, market slump, bailouts and all the other collateral damage resulting from the whole real estate crisis. One by one we hear about people close to us, friends and families, being laid off from work. Those who are still employed spend countless sleepless nights worrying about their impending pink slip.

So I started discussing about this recession with my fellow grad students and they all gave me the same blank stare. Recession? What recession? See, the funny thing about grad students is (and this holds true to all grad students save for those few in business and economics) we're pretty much clueless when it comes to things that are happening around the world. We're so deeply buried in our own research and mounds of journal articles we forget that the real world even exists. We vaguely remember the presidential election..something with it being historical, and something about bailouts and bankruptcies...wait...we do pay attention to the real world. The embryonic stem cell research ban was lifted! Oh, and more money has been doled out to NIH for the support of more RO1s! You know, the relevant issues...the rest are just fillers.

Then it hits me...I've been spending all these time scheming my exit from grad school (because I'm ready to join the real world and do all the fun stuff), and yet now I'm actually kinda relieved I'm still stuck here. That's not to say I don't hate this place. Au contraire...I still very much detest this place and hope to get out, but I'm glad I'm not out just as yet...the irony! So if you think that your peers who are in grad school somehow appear to look younger than the rest, it's because we laugh at the face of recession as we receive our meager stipend. There's no pink slips, mortgage payments or loan repayments (because even those can be defered) to worry about. We definitely get our restful sleep.